Warning: I’m going to talk about almost being pregnant.
I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I need to remember it and I swore complete honesty.
Hello! Welcome to me talking about how I screwed up.
*this is where a quirky intro would play if this were YouTube*
This is more for myself than for other people because I need it to act as a warning and a reminder. In fact, I think I’m going to do a whole series where I list all the major mistakes of my life. Because I tend to forget and then make those same damn mistakes over and over. And then I strongly suppress it and pretend like it never happened. That doesn’t help me learn.
So I’m going to talk about it. I’m glad I can at least do it anonymously, thanks to the wonderful internet.
I just took a morning-after pill.
I feel sick already, but that’s more from the guilt than from the pill.
Here’s everything I feel: I feel terribly guilty that I went running back to a boy I was supposed to be keeping my distance from. I feel guilty that I abandoned my goals and my purpose to be with (if only temporarily) a boy who makes me feel toxic and unhappy. I’m angry with myself because I gave in to the urge and even though we were careful, some things happened (I don’t think I should elaborate). And I started panicking the day after. Even though the chances of pregnancy with what happened were very, very low I’d rather be safe than sorry. Because I will continue to panic and be unable to calm down and work. Or do anything productive.
Ugh, I feel like such an idiot.
I can’t even tell a friend because, well, I don’t have the kind of friends I can talk to about this stuff.
I feel so guilty.
Especially when I hear my mother’s voice. I know I won’t get pregnant now but I still feel so, so, so awful.
My stomach hurts and I may be sick.
I won’t let this happen to me again. (yeah, it’s happened before. I just don’t learn). I’m going to fight it. I’m going to focus on college.
It helps if I think about something else, or write, or do math.
Sorry if this seemed like a rant. If you’re going through something similar, reach out to me. If this is me reading this later, on the verge of doing the stupid thing again, you have to stop. You have to stop and think. You have to fight it. There is a world out there, and you are strong.
Thank you for reading.